Monday, July 1, 2013

be contagious.

I haven't been writing much lately.  I really haven't had the courage to actually.  I have spent the past couple of weeks at a small war with myself and to be completely honest with you, the whole battle is revolved around love.  Loving myself to be exact. I am passionate for many things and have been surrounded by so much love that my heart just sparkles.  I reached a point, however, where those just weren't enough.  As humans our emotions can often get the best of us and that is exactly what happened to me.  I looked at my life and my heart was so full yet this feeling of emptiness sat in my chest like a heavy rock.  But why?  Believe me, I asked myself this many times and I only received some sort of answer when God showed me that I didn't love myself nearly enough.  I loved so many things and so many people except the one person that I'm with all of the time.  I think that recognizing this was the hardest part and I believe that often times it is any situation.  After reading and writing and digging into my own inspiration I used my own voice to defeat the voice inside of my head.  And let me tell you, once you can do this and realize that the voice that is telling you that you can't or that you're not good enough isn't you, your whole world will change.

The Bible teaches us to not be selfish and self-centered.  It never ever tells us, however, that we cannot pray for ourselves and even more, that we cannot love ourselves.  Maybe you can relate to me on this.  I know my life is wonderful and I know that I have so many things to be proud of, but it can be very easy to find myself in a situation where there is nobody to blame but me.  "If I would have done this, something better would have happened."  "If I just would have stuck it out, I wouldn't be in this situation."  Those are just some examples that identify how even words and sentences can put shame and negativity in our thoughts.  We are our own worst enemies and when there isn't a direct line between our minds and our hearts, we completely lose our self worth.  The beauty, the creativity, and the respect can disappear whether it be one negative thought or 50.  Because of this, I started paying attention to my spoken words and to the voice that spoke to me on the inside and I started noticing a pattern.  The more I listened to my own self, the more miserable I became.  Every single thought that entered my mind related to fear, doubt, or the incredibly annoying sound of that voice that said I wasn't capable.  This was true in regards to my healing, to my self-image, my financial state, and even my relationships.  I began actually believing that I wasn't worthy of anything and it made me start hating myself and this isn't anything close to who I am.  In reality, I don't hate anything and I believe that no one ever should.  I would like to fill you in on a secret that I wish I would have known years ago.  Failure is inevitable and this will always be true.  But every single part of failing is what will make you successful. 

My 'failures' happened because I wasn't totally and completely in love with myself.  Had I loved myself like I should, they wouldn't have been failures.  They would have been challenges, they would have been times to learn, and times to grow.  But because I wasn't comfortable with my very own self I only saw failure.  I was afraid to say even one positive thing about myself and because of this, I am now forcing myself to say 100. 

I'm not writing this for you to feel any sort of emotion toward me, I promise.  I just want you to recognize that when you feel your heartbeat, see your own smile, and become absolutely amazed by even the sound of your own voice, the feelings you have about everything, every single thing in this world, will be positive.  If you don't love yourself, you will be miserable.  You are the one person that you can never have a break from and when you can't even have a heart connection with the one and only you, success is going to be a pretty tough thing to come about.  Happiness is not found in a mirror or a wallet or inside make believe dreams.  It comes from accepting the person that you are and the qualities that God has given you in this very moment.  The nights I spend repeating the good things in my life, I wake up the next morning so hungry for the next day in front of me.  The darkness is completely lifted and in the smallest moment I am reminded that nobody is watching me but the world is watching me and if I ever want my love and my joy and my happiness to be contagious I have to not only accept, but truly love the person that I am.

As you begin to think and talk differently about yourself, your entire attitude toward your life will change and I promise you that you will do incredible incredible things.


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