The last day of 2013 came so fast! So many memories were running through my mind this morning and I was left with a satisfied yet 'give me more' feeling. That is typical for a girl like me. A girl who spent her young years afraid to make a mistake and so eager to please everyone around me that I was often left feeling empty and as if my dreams were never even recognized by my very own self. I grew up good and I grew up slow and the moment life was handed to me to do whatever I pleased, I froze. My first college was a bust. My second college was scary as hell. And then all of a sudden I realized that there was more to life than choosing a major and making it to class 15 minutes early every.single.day. I spread my wings slightly, I made mistakes, and I was hurt more often than not but I started to learn a little bit about myself, about life, and about relationships. And guess what?
It was still scary as hell, but I began to be extremely thankful for myself.
I made my way back to this town where faces were familiar and everything was comfortable. I spent days wishing I could go back to the parties and back to the moments where my life seemed so simple, like I was living and nothing mattered except for me. Nearly two months after this a man entered my life and taught me differently. He taught me that there are two parts of life. There is the stages we go through and the transitions we make while entering a new one. I learned that I loved the stages and I hated the transitions. He also showed me that when I was living my life like it was only me that mattered I was truly missing out. My life became better when he held my hand, when he kissed my shoulder, and when he took me on a morning date rather than meeting me 'out' at 11 PM. Life was better when I had someone else to care for and when someone else was caring for me. I was so in love I couldn't even stand it.
More transitions started as we began to build our life together. My transition period from being a single and outgoing girl in college to an unemployed college graduate living in my parent's basement was pretty ugly. I became extremely anxious, depressed, and physically ill that I never thought I would make it through this year. And here I am, on its final day, typing out words into this dear diary of mine thanking God that I moved home, met a boy who never gave up on me once, and was reunited with a family that absolutely adores one another. I'm officially in a stage, for once in my life, that I never want to run away from.
There is, however, this tiny voice in my head that's telling me that things are going to change. Let's face it, our lives are entirely revolved around change and the transitions we make to adapt to those changes are what makes us who we are and what makes us stronger. This morning I laid in bed and felt the soft kiss against my hand from our newest family member. I watched her stretch her legs across the bed and with no hesitation, she took a big belly breath and fell into another deep sleep. No worries, no concerns, and so at peace. I closed my eyes and thought about my life and everything that's happened. My thoughts narrowed to this year's experiences and within seconds, my thoughts faded quickly from what has happened to what I want and what my heart really desires. I began this final day in 2013 by giving myself two options.
I can continue to live my life in stages, praying that each transition becomes easier and easier. I can live a mediocre life where things are comfortable and familiar. I can continue to set goals and never talk about them because I fear how others view me. I can keep crying about the employers that never return my calls and I can continue to stress over the minor details in life that nobody on this earth will ever care about except for me and my anxious personality. Or I can do more...
I can crave the transitions and what they are creating. I can dig deep into my heart and into the heart's of others and search for words that have never been written or spoke of and use them to create a source of positive change. I can jump into every adventure by saying yes to as many things as possible and go out of my comfort zone to discover beautiful parts of myself and this life that I didn't imagine every existing. I can set goals and not only talk about them but scream them out loud off the highest point in this town I so dearly love. I can find that place. I will find that place. And lastly, I do not have to wait until I reach those goals in order to be proud of myself. I can be proud now, in this very moment. We, as humans, do not give ourselves enough credit for our strengths and for the amazing and extraordinary things we can accomplish and have already accomplished. We are so full of them even by the time we leave the womb, by the time we take our first step!
I left my bed this morning feeling more energized than ever. Beretta stretched out again, not having a clue of what the day would bring, much like all of her days. She remains curious, however, and leaps at every opportunity to learn, to run, to play, and to protect. As I dressed, I thought about how I wished more people could live this way. She tipped her head back and forth as she watched me joyfully walk from one room to the next, almost as if I was dancing. And to my surprise, like my Beretta girl, I have no idea where I'm going today or tonight or even the slightest clue as to what this new year will bring. But one thing I need to make certain for 2014 is that I'm going to get lost. It is absolutely essential to get lost once in awhile in order to find where you belong. If you are in a stage in your life right now, I encourage you to make a transition. I pray for you to sing and to make a fool of yourself and to get uncomfortable. I pray that you choose a major and be completely okay with deciding it's not for you. I pray for a job that truly makes you happy rather than the materials it allows you to buy. I give you confidence in your goals and pass no judgment on them because they are beautiful and worth every single ounce of discipline you'll need to reach them. You can do more than you will ever think. And lastly, I encourage you to live your life in a way where you are not the most important one. Allow that special someone to show you the supernatural feeling of sharing your life. Let him hold you and if you do one thing, believe in his words when he tells you that you will heal and you will overcome whatever battle you are faced with. And while you think about sharing your life with others, please keep in mind to never rely on other people to make you happy. Your happiness depends entirely on you. You are a powerful being with a choice and I pray that you choose to be filled with joy and to share it with the world every single day. Will you see every situation as a storm that never passes? Or will you lift your hands to the pouring rain and ask for more because the burning flame inside of you is trusting that it will eventually pass and spread sunlight over every living creature on this earth? I cannot wait to transition from this year into next's. I cannot wait to share my passion through words, through health, and through giving more and receiving less.
Cheers to 2013 and all of the experiences that filled my heart. And cheers to 2014 and all of the blank pages it will allow me to fill.
I absolutely love life. I love it I love it I love it!!!