i sit here in my empty house. it's finally clean and if you ignore the collection of college things it's finally starting to feel like an actual grown up home. i spent the morning completing all of the things that i have continued to put off since we moved in. it almost feels too clean and i believe the silence is playing a small part in that. it's darker than usual and the rain seems to be creating a large painting on the windows. i decided to rest and be proud of what i've accomplished for the day. i poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down to filter out my thoughts because some words were running through my head as i was playing maid. i was thinking a lot about my thursday afternoon. why wasn't i working? why can't i seem to find a full time job that makes me happy? questions continued to arise and before i could become frustrated with myself i started naming the things out loud that drive me. i listed everything from my family to nick to my friends and suddenly i stopped the vacuum and realized i was standing in the one room of our house where we seem to throw everything we don't know what to do with. it's cluttered yet empty. its white walls were screaming inspiration to me and out of no where i listed the three things that i've learned that motivate me which are exercising my body, my mind, and my soul. sometimes we don't realize what we were put on this earth to do until we accept the things that we were not meant for. i am not meant to sit at a desk and calculate numbers. i am not meant to be a sales person and i'm not meant to be a teacher and all of this has driven me completely crazy for so long because i've prayed and prayed to just want a normal job like one of those. while i've always known that these are my interests they have never seemed to find themselves in the 'career' part of my heart which is a shame because i'm driven by creativity, words, helping others, pictures, design, and anything that's empty. whether it's an empty wall that i can fill with photos, an empty page that i can fill with words, or an empty heart that i can fill with joy, all of these things make me feel complete. once i accepted this and let go of every made up dream of desk jobs and traffic, i made a list of all of the jobs that will allow me to not only be successful but happy as well. it's amazing what time alone in an empty house can do for you. i have always believed that each person was made to do something incredible. my parent's have provided me with what it takes to work hard, be disciplined, and set goals. i have all of these qualities i have just been working towards the wrong goals; goals that i am not made for. if we can take the hard work, the will to do right, and high goals and use them in a way that best fits us and no one else, our dreams will come true. having dreams is a true sign of wanting what's right in your heart.
yes, i absolutely do.