Thursday, November 21, 2013

a lunch date and identical hearts.

we sat there, the two of us.  a girl that is so dear to my heart and will put joy in yours.  our feet dangled from the high top chairs as we sipped on organic coffee and flowed into a conversation as if we had seen each other yesterday when in reality it had been much much longer.  there is something about my time with her, however, that makes hard days seem easier and brings me to a place of comfort and reconnects me with a sense of safety i'm often left without.  

we are very similar you see.  when i'm with her i feel as if i'm talking to myself and as if it is myself talking to me.  our leggings matched our scarves and our smiles complimented the fact that both of our hair rested low on our heads, tied back with little effort, almost as if we crawled out of bed this morning.  it was a perfect lunch.

i received some news that is truly going to change my world.  she will be leaving in a couple short months to move on to the next chapter in her story.  thousands of miles will come between us and it was startling to know that seeing her smile on a monthly basis will no longer exist.  

this morning i woke with a lot of unknowns growing larger inside of me.  it was nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual stressors.  my jaw clenched and my eyes were sore and i sat there in silence trying to clear my head of any worries for my future.  that is, what i have found to be, the primary source of my anxiety.  not knowing what i'm supposed to do or where i'm supposed to be or how on earth i'm going to leave a positive impact on this life.  

hours passed and i drove to the busy cafe.  she was already seated and her head turned towards me as i walked through the door.  her embrace was warm.  she squeezed me hard and i could feel her smile touch mine as our bodies connected.  my morning was over and my world once again felt right.  over lunch i began thinking about her life and the fact that she is experiencing many unknowns herself.  the truth is, i'm scared to death for her to leave because i feel as if she is one of the only people who understands me and my true true self, but on the other side of that truth comes an even deeper knowledge of the fact that this is right for her.  she will be okay and she will grow and she will feel completely out of her element just as most of us often feel.  

all of a sudden i felt this umbrella of happiness surround me.  i looked at my life in the exact way that i look at our friendship.  we went from spending every single day together to being apart for a year and then being able to once again get together about once every month or so.  so much changes occur in both of our lives yet the minute we get together, our friendship is exactly the same.  what i'm trying to say is that, yes, there is a million things in your life that you will be unsure of, afraid of, and completely clueless as to where it will take you.  but if you find something that will forever be a constant, like my friendship with her, and connect it to your life and the stress that is occurring in this very moment, you will see that no matter how many changes keep coming, your heart will never shy away from what it already knows.  i still may not have a clue what i'm supposed to be, much like i have no idea how i'm going to be able to watch her get on that plane.  i do know, however, that i had not seen her in months and many things in our lives had changed yet we completely grew in our friendship, almost as if we understood each other even more.  this helped me understand that the things i'm stressing about and whatever it is i'm supposed to do with my life, no matter how much i fear it, i will not change who i already am but rather grow into a stronger and more confident self. 

and guess what?  six months might pass and our outfits, our smiles, our advice, and our embrace will still feel completely the same.

she truly keeps my heart consistent in this world of constant change.  if you can find one thing to ground yourself during a difficult time in your life it will make a morning of unknowns transform into an afternoon of really living.

thank you, my dearest friend, for keeping my words gentle and my eyes more open than ever to take in this beautiful and scary world.  

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