Friday, October 25, 2013

setting yourself free.

It's 7:30 AM.  I'm on my second cup of coffee and I just finished submitting another job application.  I worked on it for nearly 45 minutes and as I finished I thought about all of the jobs I've applied for in the past few weeks.  The applications are similar and so are the questions.  This morning it got to the point where I had to scroll to the top of the page to remind myself what I was even applying for.  I'm beginning to feel a little lifeless with all of these job applications and even though I stated on Monday that "I can almost feel it," and "I'm so close," I started to lose a little hope this morning.  So in order to encourage myself a little bit, I stuck my nose into one of my devotionals and decided to think about the good rather than the bad.

This morning, the little voice in my head began to doubt every little piece of myself.  I had to stop that foolishness right in its tracks because doubt can only occur if you let it.  You have to start by reminding yourself that you, yes YOU, are not perfect.  And that's what I need to learn how to love...

I cry.  I can be weak.  I get anxiety.  I'm indecisive.  I'm a perfectionist.  Sometimes I criticize myself and others.  I don't respond well to stress.  And I can be jealous of what others have that I don't.

I'm not going to lie, these were some of thing things that popped into my head when I was questioning another job application this morning and I probably could of listed a thousand more.  The negative things started popping into my head faster than a bag of popcorn and it was because I am my own worst enemy.  These are the things that are readily available whenever something seems "difficult" or when I begin to feel "unworthy."

In real life these are things that many people wouldn't notice about me unless I brought them to their attention and this is because people that know you and like you always always always focus on the positives.  This morning, I could have easily said, 

I smile.
I'm strong.
I work through anxiousness.
I make decisions.
I embrace imperfections.
I have wonderful expectations for myself.
I'm learning to handle stress.
And I'm happy for others.

It's amazing how one little thing can completely change your state of mind.  Whether it be a job application, or your late for work, you have a headache, you don't feel "good" about yourself, or nothing seems to be going quite right, self doubt always seems to pop in and say hello.  This morning I had a choice.  I could choose to have a terrible day and mope about not only the job application but the crazy things that entered my mind or I could choose to endure the fact that God is working on me and have peace in my day.  I'm choosing to allow him to show me things because the truth about our behavior will set us free (John 8:32).

And if we embrace his work, accept our imperfections, and love the positive things about ourselves, we are able to share them with the world and we are able to, like my mom always tells me...keep moving.

Did I submit the job application?  Yes I did.  Am I going to continue searching?  Yes I am.  And now I'm going to go explore this beautiful day in front of me and I'm going to be comfortable in my own skin and I'm going to create a day of bliss, a day of no judgement, and a day of loving.  loving loving loving.

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