Saturday, August 24, 2013

i think i'll just be happy today.

i have some confessions to make and it is my hope that you can take every word i say and use it to strengthen you and the image you have about being beautiful and being yourself. 

i've noticed that when there is a lot of stress in my life it usually has a large affect on two people.  myself and nick - the one person i love more than anything in the whole wide world.  it's easy though.  to blame myself and to break down to him.  even though the stresses in my life are mostly wedding and money related, the way i deal with them and try to avoid them is through my body image.  it's easier to hate my body and become angry at myself than to address the real stresses.  we can be listening to music on youtube and i can see a video of a teeny tiny girl and the boy she loves and my brain can automatically flip from happy and relaxed to 'why did i eat all of that for supper?"  all...meaning chicken salad, chips, and a few yogurt covered pretzels.  i can be searching for jobs and knowing exactly what i want to do and be confident in the fact that i will be good at it.  but will i 'look' the part?  will i ever get my body to the point where i actually look like a personal trainer?  i write these things because this is exactly what goes on in my head sometimes and somewhere between me growing up and trying to define myself, my self image spiraled down down down.  i also write these things because i know that i have come a long way from where i was a year ago and i'm learning things about self image and loving your body that i want to share with others, and maybe continue to help myself along the way.

you've read my my story.
you know that i had issues with food and exercise.
you know that i'm working on them. 

and the next paragraph right here is me continuing to work on them.

happiness should never ever EVER be based on a number on the scale.  it should never come from an empty stomach, a painful workout, or whether or not you stayed under your calorie allowance for the day (i f-ing hate calories with a passion by the way).  happiness comes from your crazy family, the boy who loves you no matter what, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, chocolate, accomplishments, goals, and it comes directly from your inner self telling you that you are more beautiful and more successful than you were yesterday, every single day!

god is working on us everyday.  he is working on our health, our friendships, our ability to love and to communicate, our patience, and most importantly, our self image.  i laid in my dark room one night and tears started making there way down my cheek.  between the stress of the wedding and wanting it to be perfect for everyone else except myself and the stress of whether or not i would look okay in my dress i immediately felt tense and overwhelmed.  i know that this is not what my wedding day should be about but i choose to stress about it this way rather than dealing with the actual stresses because, like i said, it's easier to critique myself than anything else.  i could walk down the aisle in sweat pants and i know nick would still get teary eyed and love me more than he did an hour prior.  he laid there next to me knowing exactly what was wrong without even having to ask and i sobbed as i continued to wish for the day where my weight wouldn't matter.  i stopped and looked at him.  once again, he asked me what it is that i'm so afraid of?  and this was the exact moment i knew i was learning to let go because i forced myself to remember all of the things that i used to fear that i know now i am so confident with.  if we never take a chance at something we fear, we have already failed.  i took a chance on him and my life is perfect.  i took a chance on moving home, and i couldn't have asked for anything more.  and i took a chance on lifting weights and doing lighter exercise and i have never felt stronger. the numbers may not show but again, numbers should not define anything about you or the person next to you and they should never reveal how much love you give yourself.

emotionally, i'm not too strong, but i'm strong enough to get through whatever it is i'm going through.  i never ever want to be the mom who calls herself fat, chubby, big, or out of shape in front of her kids.  i want to be the confident mom, the loving wife, and the successful woman that i know deep down in my heart i am.  i want my beauty to come from the words i speak and the smile on my face.  i want it to come from baggy sweat pants and knowing i look absolutely stunning (yes stunning) in them.  people are what drive me.  insanely sweaty bike rides motivate me.  and writing on these blank pages is just the place where everything in my world comes out.  i want you to remember that no matter what it is you're going through, life is beautiful just because you're in it.  it was beautiful yesterday, today, and it will be beautiful tomorrow and even though as humans we deal with things internally on a daily basis, we can choose to either let it destroy us, define us, or strengthen us.

i choose the third and i promised myself a long time ago that at some point in my life i'm going to use my struggles with body image and food to change somebody's life for the better, no matter what.

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