I'm going to be a little straight forward with you here, but the following sentence once again has truly saved my life. When the going gets tough, keep going. Something happened to me today in which I had to make a decision on what my life was going to be. There were many areas that I had to think about, however, the one area that kept repeating itself over and over was whether or not I would give up completely or take the hand that life has dealt me and do with it the very best that I know how. It scares me to think about the thoughts that were going on inside of me and it scares me even more that my life has been put on hold because of something that I have no control over. I watched the sun slowly enter my room this morning, hour by hour. I heard him leave and tears rolled out of my eyes as he kissed me good bye and I pretended to sleep. My body ached and each time I opened my eyes the room started to once again spin around me. I wanted a hand to hold. I wanted the pain to disappear. And I wanted to exercise, or at least have the ability to walk outside on this beautiful day. All of these things felt so far out of reach and the scary thoughts that entered my mind wouldn't go away.
So I prayed.
I cried and I cried and I prayed so hard that I'm not even entirely sure what I was praying about. I just needed him to listen and I needed to proclaim my trust in him verbally so that he would prevent my body from giving up completely. And just when I thought I hit my second round of rock bottom, I was reminded why I'm a christian girl and why patience and faith and believing in him can without a doubt change your life.
I choose him first because I realize now that his way of communicating with me is directly through the people I love. I choose him first because he overfills my heart with joy. He reminds me that there is no reason to be scared and no longer will I have to endure the pain that I thought my body had surrendered to months ago. He tells me I'm beautiful and he tells me that patience is a blessing. He speaks to me when I consistently write these words and reminds me that I am touching someones heart, even if it's just one heart, somewhere in this sweet sweet world. I chose him today because he lifted my spirit and brought to me the strongest woman I know to remind me that he's not done with me yet. He led me to a place of comfort and brought me there for more than just one reason. Keeping your faith is smiling even when it seems impossible. It's reminding the people that love you that they make your days worth fighting for. And it's when for the first time the arm you were just vaccinated with is actually aching more than what has been affecting your life for the past seven months, and this dull ache in my arm I speak of just might be the greatest feeling in the world. Faith is understanding, it's communicating, and it's taking one more sharp turn just when you started believing the road was straight. Our lives will never be straight, not any part of them. Embrace everything, even the hurts and the struggles. And when you are experiencing any of these sorts, I encourage you to fold your hands and communicate. He will speak to you and then this moment, a very mind blowing moment will come and he will remind you to never ever stop.